Starting today – and this whole month – I want to get deep with you about sexuality.
Over the years, I’ve developed this unique sense of confidence in my sexuality. Don’t get me wrong, I still have exploring to do personally. But I have a sense of confidence in that realm that plays a huge role in my sense of self.
Your identity is deeply tied to your sexuality. I mean people, we’re human. It’s a part of life and evolution. Yet, despite all the science, we as the busy people we are in this modern world, tend to neglect the hell out of this inherent part of us.
Why investing in your sexuality is important
I recently picked up a book called The Science of Remarkable Sex by Amber Cole to read with a friend, which I’m stoked about. We read a few chapters each week and have quite the stimulating book club, if you will (kidding). I’m going to be sharing some main takeaways along with my thoughts over the coming weeks — the first being that our ideation of achieving ‘perfect’ sex says a lot about us.
Cole states that some people believe in sexual destiny, which goes along the lines of one’s sexual abilities being capped at a certain point. For them, what makes for a ‘perfect’ sexual experience is sharing it with a single, destined partner. Basically, it’s the right person that will make the experience almighty.
Then there’s the other category, those who believe in sexual growth.
Those with a growth belief imagined sexual satisfaction to be honed like a skill, which required hard work and a certain amount of time
While confidence and satisfaction comes natural to some, I argue that most of us need to dedicate true effort and time to master our craft. The study “How Implicit Theories of Sexuality Shapes Sexual and Relationship Well-Being” claims that those who actively work towards improvement benefit greatly in their sex lives, compared to those who leave it to fate. Sex isn’t effortless, and those who pursue growth are “rewarded by discovery, exploration, discussion and communication” (Maxwell et al.). All of these micro-experiences make us better individuals, not just better sex partners.
The catch though is that most of us don’t schedule time to feed our sexuality.
My thoughts: Make time to develop your sexuality beyond the bedroom – and as a result, your overall confidence, happiness and sense of self will develop greatly.
Understanding and feeding your sexual aura
We all have a sexual aura: distinctive sexuality solely tied to our single being.
Some have it stronger than others, and I believe these people are happier and more successful because of it. I actively tend to my sexuality (and yes, that means much more than just having sex) because I know I need to be sexually elated to be generally happy and kick-ass.
My sexual aura transcends everything. When I’m driving and really internalizing a song — I feel sexy. When I leave a classroom after killing it in class that day — I feel sexy. When I catch someone’s glimmer through my eyes that I care about — I feel sexy.
None of these situations have to do with sex itself, yet they are opportunities to express the beautiful emotions tied to sexuality within myself.
Besides having more meaningful or down-right incredible sex (which definitely helps, a lot), I have three tips for you to nurture your sexual aura:
1. Brand your aura in three words
I’m sure you can recall your past partners and experiences, and have thought, “Wow, he was insanely passionate”…”She was sensitive, soft and intimate with her touch.” We all have a sexual personality, per se.
Have you ever stopped to consider thoughts that others have about your sexuality?
You likely left an imprint on their minds, too. This imprint is worth noting on your end. Dedicate some time to internalizing your sexual thoughts and replay your past encounters, in an effort to define your sexual aura.
Think about those moments where you felt undoubtedly raw, expressing your instinctual and emotional desires. How would you describe your actions in those rich glimpses?
Narrow it down to three adjectives or phrases. Want to know mine?
Emotionally infused – wildly explorative – confidently vulnerable
These descriptions of my sexual aura are inherently internal to my unique experiences, so I can’t share with you exactly how I came to these. But I can tell you, they are a pattern of a significance. By recognizing what makes true moments feel so memorable me, I have identified similar characteristics that drive my everyday life. I am deeply reflective and emotional, an adventurer of the unknown in pursuit of greatness, and self-assured in the beautiful juxtaposition between strength and fragility.
If you’re having a difficult time conceptualizing your sexual aura, this research-based test provided by New York’s Museum of Sex is a good starting point in understanding your sexuality.
2. Be naked
From past experiences, it saddened me to feel pervasive moments of body insecurities take control – or worse, feel my partner go through painful, personal body insecurities that I couldn’t help alleviate.
About a year ago, I realized a huge reason that many of us experience body insecurities is because we are rarely in our truest, naked form. The few moments we’re completed unclothed is typically in the shower, or when we’re intimate with someone else.
Other than times of briefly refreshing ourselves, it’s no wonder our anxieties build when being naked with others. Most of us never take time to be comfortable being naked alone, so how can we be expected to be in our most vulnerable state with others and not experience insecurities?
Living alone definitely helps, but I encourage you to be naked on your own time. Learn to be casual in your own skin. I make time multiple times a week to hangout naked because I truly believe it boosts my confidence in myself and improves my experiences when I’m engaging with others intimately.
This goes beyond the bedroom by helping to improve body acceptance daily. If you can learn to accept and love your naked imperfections, it’s a lot easier to put on a dress or a shirt and feel radiant.
3. Listen to music that makes you feel raw and rich
Music is a wonderful way to leave our rationality behind us at times. Subdue the thoughts of reason for a bit, and let your emotional thoughts flow organically.
Personally, I can listen to particular subgeneres, artists and songs that let me leave everything behind. I can be incredibly mindful – present in the moment and aware of my being – when I find music that makes me feel extraordinarily raw and rich.
Let your mind drift to sexual unknowns while the music in the background acts as a catalyst to your experience. It’ll like deepen what you come across.
The beauty of it is that you can return to certain songs to reinvigorate particular sexual memories and your sense of self. And if you really want my advice, I highly recommend combining step two and three together.
All in all, don’t wait around for the right moment, or the perfect person. Realize that genuine sexuality and success come from within – therefore you must work in order to grow.
The more you tap into this internal part of yourself, the more you will flourish externally.